Difference between Criticism & Contempt

Relationship Counseling expert Dr John Gottman explains four such “poisonous” ways of interacting that prevent resolving marriage problems constructively. In order of least to most dangerous, theses common behavioral problems are:

• criticism
• contempt
• defensiveness
• stonewalling

As per definition given in Wikipedia  Contempt is an intense feeling or attitude of regarding someone or something as inferior, base, or worthless—it is similar to scorn. Contempt is also defined as the state of being despised or dishonored; disgrace, and an open disrespect or willful disobedience of the authority of a court of law or legislative body.

This pattern involves attacking someone’s personality rather than their behaviour. Airing a complaint, though it may not be pleasant, is a healthy marital or relationship activity - much healthier than suppressing the grievance. Criticism, on the other hand, entails making a personal attack or accusation.
Whereas complaints usually begin with the word I, criticisms usually begin with you. As an example, “I wish we travelled more” is a complaint, whereas “you never take me on holiday” is a criticism. Criticism may seem just a hairs breadth beyond complaining, but receiving a criticism really does feel far worse than receiving a complaint

  

This common marriage or relationship problem often follows directly from the first. It is a significant problem for a marriage or coupl because it can poison a relationship. The difference between contempt and criticism, according to Gottman, is that contempt implies the intention to insult and psychologically abuse ones partner. When contempt appears, it can overwhelm the relationship and eclipse positive feelings between partners. Some of the most common expressions of contempt are snide or antagonistic remarks, a mocking attitude and hostile humour. These are all examples of the second common marriage problem, and once a relationship features such interactions, little joy is possible for either partner.

Coughlin's Law

I was watching this movie Cocktail on star movies...I liked the conversation between the main protagonist Brian ( Tom cruise) & his friend Doug..

When Doug wants to give any advice to Brian, he always uses Douglas Coughlin quotes. 'Douglas Coughlin, Logical Negativist. Flourished in the last part of the 20th Century. Propounded a set of laws the world generally ignores, to its detriment.'
'Coughlin's Law; Anything else is always something better.'
'Coughlin's law: never tell tales about a woman. No matter how far away she is, she'll always hear you.'
'Coughlin's Law; Bury the dead, they stink up the place.'
'Coughlin's diet: cocktails and dreams.'
'Coughlin's Law: Never show surprise, never lose your cool.'
'I don't care how liberated this world becomes - a man will always be judged by the amount of alcohol he can consume - and a woman will be impressed, whether she likes it or not.'
'However, falling down the stairs is allowed!'
'As for the rest of Coughlin's Laws, ignore them. The guy was always full of shit.'

The new Normal

It’s forecasting time again. My team is geared up for to forecast as accurately as possible. Definition of forecasting has changed drastically in the current scenario. Earlier we used to work with two or three scenarios. Now for every scenario we have a sub scenario.

I was reading one article on economist about the “new normal”. When things become predictable & you can take it for granted it’s said to be normal. The new normal is uncertain. Uncertainty is the way of life now. For some organizations, near-term survival is the only agenda item. Others are peering through the fog of uncertainty, thinking how to position them once the crisis has passed and the situation is normal again. The question is, “How will the normal look like?” While no one can say how long the crisis will last, what we find on the other side will not look like the normal of recent years. The new normal will be shaped by a confluence of powerful forces—some arising directly from the financial crisis and some that were at work long before it began.

But the good thing about uncertainty is it’s interesting. Nobody can say that their work is monotonous & boring.

A foggy morning in Bangalore

It's a foggy morning in Bangalore . I came out to catch my bus to office. It reminds me of a recent news flashing on my TV screen about Delhi. Delhi is covered with thick fog, Visibility reduced to mere 50 meters. some people even claimed that they are finding it difficult to breath & facing some kind of itching in their eyes.

Well !! Let me welcome everyone to the new world of climate change, this is what we will get if we don’t work towards reducing green house effect. Foggy morning, uneven rains . Nobody knows what stores in future for all of us.

The good news is Indian Govt is finally waked up & it’s finally trying to do something about it. The government has almost halved the acceptable limits for polluting gases like sulphur dioxide, nitrogen dioxide and carbon monoxide. The key bits are that residential and industrial areas will have the same limits. Also National Environment Protection Authority (NEPA) is being given more powers to crackdown on polluters.

I really welcome these steps, lets hope that it’s not going to be just another act.

Performing horizontal eye movement exercises can boost your creativity

I was reading a blog on my favorite behavior science website BPS research Digest that Performing horizontal eye movement exercises can boost your creativity . The idea behind this research is the cross talk between both hemispheres of mind. Creativity depends on how both side of your brain work as well as interacts with each other.  This research is done by Elizabeth Shobe. I quote from the BPS summary:

“Shobe's team tested 62 participants on a version of the "Alternative Uses Test", a divergent thinking challenge that involves dreaming up unconventional uses for everyday objects such as bricks and newspapers.

An important factor that the researchers took note of was the participants' handedness. Prior research has suggested that people who have one hand that is particularly dominant, so-called "strong-handers", have less cross-talk between their brain hemispheres compared with people who are more ambidextrous or "mixed handed".

So, any exercise which helps cross talking of both sides of brain can help in improving creativity. Performing horizontal eye movement exercise is on of such exercise. The research also finds that ambidextrous people are better in creativity than others.  

Still in depth analysis is to be done in this area. As always I say “comment please” 

Obama bows down to Japanese King

I don’t know why there is so fuss about it, this is an Asian tradition when you bows down to anyone it does not mean that you are smaller then them. It’s a simple gesture of respect to your elders. I watched on TV that democrats are very unhappy about it. But why, why should they be unhappy about it. It means if you are an American president you should not respect anyone. I don’t see this as an issue, I am very sad to say that this is just political.

Comments pls

Check out these pics.. The Berlin Wall, 20 years gone

http://www.boston.com/bigpicture/2009/11/the_berlin_wall_20_years_gone.html

Marketing

Some book publishers don't like the Kindle. Either they're afraid of it or they've crunched the numbers and they don't like what they see. (Some days, 95% of the top selling Kindle titles are free... demonstrating that digital goods with zero marginal cost and plentiful substitutes tend to move to zero in price).
Worried about the medium, they hold back, delay or even refuse to support it.
Which is fine if you have market power, but you likely don't. No publisher does, certainly. The Beatles couldn't stop iTunes from changing the record business by sitting out the platform, and there's no book publisher who can stop the Kindle alone.
It's tempting to look at a high-momentum market innovation, something that brings efficiency but leaves change in its wake, and try to stop it single-handedly. Tempting, but not so smart, I think. The market waits for no one.
The alternative to joining in is to sit out the game loudly. Don't just hold back your support, organize your peers. Create a (sometimes illegal) coordinated effort to stop innovation. I'm not going to bet much on your efforts, but it will certainly outperform a solo effort.
Quiet, passive-aggressive whining in the corner is both annoying and ineffective.

The Happiness Genie

I regularly follow Scot Adam's ( Dilbert's fame) blog. Yesterday I came across this amazing written blog about relationship.

Suppose a genie appears and gives you two choices. The first option is that he will give you $10 million dollars, but everyone else you know will get $20 million apiece.

Choice two: You get $5 million, but no one else gets anything.

As a bonus, the genie offers to erase your memory of having made the choice, so guilt will never be a factor. You will simply wake up the next day in the new situation

Which option do you choose to maximize your personal happiness?

This might seem like an easy choice. You take the $10 million and your friends will get $20 million each. Everyone wins. Unfortunately, I don't think humans are wired that way. Happiness is based on the direction your life is heading (better or worse), and what you have compared to what you think you should have.

If you take the genie's $10 million option, over time you will start feeling like the poorest person you know, since everyone else has $20 million apiece. You will wonder what you did in a past life to deserve this shabby treatment from the universe. The ugly truth about humans is that your happiness might be maximized by screwing everyone you know while screwing yourself half as much.

If you buy this premise, it has interesting implications for personal relationships. For example, it means that one way to cheer up an unhappy friend is to put yourself in a bad situation, thus resetting the reference point. The splinter in your finger only makes you unhappy when you're not talking to someone who has a railroad spike through his head

Mysore palace

I have clicked this pic on 19th Sep. Mysore palace is looking amazing. Approx 90 thousand bulbs are used to light entire palace.

सामने आ जावो

चकोर तो मैं हु ही , तुम चाँद बन जावो

शाम ढलने वाली है, तुम रात बन जावो

बाग तो मैं हु , तुम फूल बन जावो

सुबह होने वाली है, अब खूसबू बन के फिजा मैं बिखर जावो

ज़िन्दगी तो मैं हु ही, तुम खुशी बन जावो

इतनी गुमसूम सी क्यों बैठी हो अब थोदा मुश्कुरावो

कवि तो मैं हु, तुम मेरी कविता बन जावो

कब तक इन chando और लबसों में बंधी रहोगी

इनसे निकल के सामने आ जावो .................

Art of War- Attacking By Stratagem

Sun Tzu said " In the practical art of war, the best thing of all is to take the enemy's country whole & intact; to shatter and destroy is not so good. So, too, it is better to recapture and army entire than to destroy it, to capture a regiment, a detachment or a company entire than to destroy"
Hence to fight and to conquer in all your battles is not supreme excellence; supreme excellence consists in breaking the enemy's resistance without fighting.
It is the rule in war, if our forces are ten to the enemy's one, to surround him; if five to one, to attack him; if twice as numerous, to divide our army into two. This is way to approach any kind of problem. The leader has to understand the problem & plan his move accordingly.

The winning strategy

The best book ever written on war strategy is "The Art of War". It was written in 6Th century by Sun Tzu. You all must be thinking why am I talking about war strategy here? This book has best strategy for any given situation. Each & every word written by Sun Tzu is very true for today's corporate world. Everyday I will be writing few of the ideas & will try to relate with today's world.

As per Sun Tzu there are five essentials for victory.

1. He will win who knows when to fight and when not to fight- This is true for everyone. Before taking any decision we must know about our resources. We must ask our self do I have enough resource to handle this additional work? if you are able to answer this question your decision will definitely give you result.
2. He will win who knows how to handle both superior and inferior forces- it talks about the importance of team. In a team you not only have high performers but also you have some average & some not so not so good performer . As a leader you need to handle everyone. A manager is as successful as his team. He needs to take care of each & every team member.
3. He will win whose army is animated by the same spirit throughout all its ranks- This is very important. Everyone should know the common goal of the team. Each & every member must strive towards achieving that common goal. Everybody should understand the complete picture & where they fit. A successful team is not driven by individual goal.
4. He will win who, prepared himself, waits to take the enemy unprepared- In this cut throat competitive environment you have to understand the competition. As Darwin says survival of the fittest is the mantra of long term success.
5. He will win who has military capacity and is not interfered with by the sovereign- For a successful team/company you have to give people freedom. Freedom gives people responsibility which is very important for any kind of success.

To be continued...

Should voting be compulsory? Of course, say many Indians

Voting should be made compulsory - that seems to be the general consensus binding celebrities and common people alike as the country hurtles towards another election, though politicians themselves are divided.
Making voting mandatory may be a controversial move, but there seemed to be little debate on the matter with an overwhelming number of people that IANS spoke to for it. Governance will improve and democracy will get strengthened if voting is made compulsory is the view as another general election looms ahead.
Voting is compulsory in over 30 countries

IS INDIA A POOR COUNTRY?

We all knew this existed, but the sheer magnitude surprised me. Do your bit to create the awareness and pressure.

IS INDIA A POOR COUNTRY?

Revelation of Swiss bank accounts

This is so shocking.... ...If black money deposits was an Olympics event.... India would have won a gold medal hands down. The second best Russia has 4 times lesser deposit. U.S. is not even there in the counting in top five! India has more money in Swiss banks than all the other countries combined!

Recently, due to international pressure, the Swiss government agreed to disclose the names of the account holders only if the respective governments formally asked for it... Indian government is not asking for the details..... ..no marks for guessing why?

We need to start a movement to pressurise the government to do so! This is perhaps the only way, and a golden opportunity, to expose the high and mighty and weed out corruption!

Please read on........and forward to all the honest Indians to.....like somebody is forwarding to you.......and build a ground-swell of support for action!

Is India poor, who says? Ask the Swiss banks. With personal account deposit bank of $1,500 billion in foreign reserve which have been misappropriated, an amount 13 times larger than the country's foreign debt, one needs to rethink if India is a poor country?

DISHONEST INDUSTRIALISTS, scandalous politicians and corrupt IAS, IRS, IPS officers have deposited in foreign banks in their illegal personal accounts a sum of about $1500 billion, which have been misappropriated by them. This amount is about 13 times larger than the country's foreign debt. With this amount 45 crore poor people can get Rs 1,00,000 each. This huge amount has been appropriated from the people of India by exploiting and betraying them. Once this huge amount of black money and property comes back to India , the entire foreign debt can be repaid in 24 hours. After paying the entire foreign debt, we will have surplus amount, almost 12 times larger than the foreign debt. If this surplus amount is invested in earning interest, the amount of interest will be more than the annual budget of the Central government. So even if all the taxes are abolished, then also the Central government will be able to maintain the country very comfortably.

Some 80,000 people travel to Switzerland every year, of whom 25,000 travel very frequently.. 'Obviously, these people won't be tourists. They must be travelling there for some other reason,' believes an official involved in tracking illegal money. And, clearly, he isn't referring to the commerce ministry bureaucrats who've been flitting in and out of Geneva ever since the World Trade Organisation (WTO) negotiations went into a tailspin! Just read the following details and note how these dishonest industrialists, scandalous politicians, corrupt officers, cricketers, film actors, illegal sex trade and protected wildlife operators, to name just a few, sucked this country's wealth and prosperity. This may be the picture of deposits in Swiss banks only. What about other international banks? Black money in Swiss banks -- Swiss Banking Association report, 2006 details bank deposits in the territory of Switzerland by nationals of following countries: TOP FIVE INDIA : $1,456 BILLION RUSSIA : $470 BILLION U.K. : $390 BILLION UKRAINE : $100 BILLION CHINA : $96 BILLION

Now do the math's - India with $1,456 billion or $1.4 trillion has more money in Swiss banks than rest of the world combined. Public loot since 1947:

Can we bring back our money? It is one of the biggest loots witnessed by mankind -- the loot of the Aam Aadmi (common man) since 1947, by his brethren occupying public office. It has been orchestrated by politicians, bureaucrats and some businessmen.

The list is almost all-encompassing. No wonder, everyone in India loots with impunity and without any fear. What is even more depressing in that this ill-gotten wealth of ours has been stashed away abroad into secret bank accounts located in some of the world's best known tax havens. And to that extent the Indian economy has been stripped of its wealth. Ordinary Indians may not be exactly aware of how such secret accounts operate and what are the rules and regulations that go on to govern such tax havens. However, one may well be aware of 'Swiss bank accounts,' the shorthand for murky dealings, secrecy and of course pilferage from developing countries into rich developed ones.

In fact, some finance experts and economists believe tax havens to be a conspiracy of the western world against the poor countries. By allowing the proliferation of tax havens in the twentieth century, the western world explicitly encourages the movement of scarce capital from the developing countries to the rich. In March 2005, the Tax Justice Network (TJN) published a research finding demonstrating that $11.5 trillion of personal wealth was held offshore by rich individuals across the globe.

The findings estimated that a large proportion of this wealth was managed from some 70 tax havens. Further, augmenting these studies of TJN, Raymond Baker -- in his widely celebrated book titled 'Capitalism' s Achilles Heel: Dirty Money and How to Renew the Free Market System' -- estimates that at least $5 trillion have been shifted out of poorer countries to the West since the mid-1970. It is further estimated by experts that one per cent of the world's population holds more than 57 per cent of total global wealth, routing it invariably through these tax havens.. How much of this is from India is anybody's guess.

What is to be noted here is that most of the wealth of Indians parked in these tax havens is illegitimate money acquired through corrupt means. Naturally, the secrecy associated with the bank accounts in such places is central to the issue, not their low tax rates as the term 'tax havens' suggests. Remember Bofors and how India could not trace the ultimate beneficiary of those transactions because of the secrecy associated with these bank accounts? IS THERE ANYONE WHO CAN SAVE INDIA?

12 Concepts

I have got this mail from my boss. This is a blog which talks about 12 concepts. I have jotted down 12 concepts for transportation

1.Distance
2.Number of working days
3.Vehicle Mix
4.Occupancy
5.Type of Contract
6.Shift pattern
7.Scattered Location of pick ups & Drops
8.No shows for Cabs
9.Numbers of Users in a facility
10.Fuel rate
11. Any External factor e.g. Strike, Vehicle shortage
12.Overhead costs like management fees & security cost

SCOTT ADAMS of DILBERT Fame gives some practical advice
Rule of Twelve
Mar 20, 2009 by General Nonsense Permalink
I call it the Rule of Twelve, and it states that if you know twelve concepts about a given topic you will look like an expert to people who only know two or three. If you learn more than twelve concepts about a topic, the value of each additional one drops off considerably.Allow me to be the first to confess that twelve is not a magic and inviolable number. It just sounds better than The Rule of Several, Give or Take Two or Three, With Lots of Exceptions. So don't get hung up on the number twelve.The power of this rule is that seemingly impenetrable topics are less intimidating if you know there are only a dozen concepts to learn. And often the details of a subject are unimportant if you know the big concepts. Let me give you an example.As I've mentioned, my wife and I are in the process of building a house. One of our goals was to make it as energy efficient as practical, while still having the features we wanted. And that meant learning the twelve-or-so concepts of green building that would get us where we wanted to go. Those concepts aren't neatly listed anywhere, so you have to flail around until you scare them up. For example, I spent a huge amount of time trying to figure out the best type of insulation for the walls. I looked at everything from SIPS to hippy ideas about hay and compressed dirt, to blown-in cellulose, to standard batting. And it seemed no one could give me a definitive answer on what R-value was best for a home in my area. Big developers used whatever was cheapest and met code, because they didn't have to pay the utility bills after their homes where sold. And every individual home builder and owner seemed to have his own theory on insulation type.Eventually we talked to some engineers who explained some of the twelve concepts to us, and that made the decision easy. It turns out that in my climate, no matter how you insulate the walls, it's the windows and roof that will determine (mostly) how much heat penetrates your house. There was never a need to learn about exotic wall insulation methods. We just had to make sure we knew the twelve concepts about windows, roofs, thermal mass, orientation to the sun, chimney effect, and a few other concepts more important than wall insulation.If someone is explaining a subject to you by listing lots of facts and examples, without explaining any of the twelve concepts, you probably aren't learning anything useful.

ख़ुद से पूछे सवाल

गहरी है काली है थोडी सी भरी थोडी खाली है
जहा से सुरु होती है ज़िन्दगी वहा की रहने वाली है
ख़ुद में है उलझी है
दुशारो की न फिकर है
ख़ुद से पूछे सवाल वो

Dog's Purpose (from a 6-year-old).

Got this nice mail from one of my friend...

Being a veterinarian, I had been called to examine a ten-year-old Irish Wolfhound named Belker. The dog's ! owners, Ron, his wife Lisa, and their little boy Shane, were all very attached to Belker, and they were hoping for a miracle.

I examined Belker and found he was dying of cancer. I told the family we couldn't do anything for Belker, and offered to perform the euthanasia procedure for the old dog in their home.

As we made arrangements, Ron and Lisa told me they thought it would be good for six-year-old Shane to observe the procedure. They felt as though Shane might learn something from the experience.

The next day, I felt the familiar catch in my throat as Belker 's family surrounded him. Shane seemed so calm, petting the old dog for the last time, that I wondered if he understood what was going on. Within a few minutes, Belker slipped peacefully away.

The little boy seemed to accept Belker's transition without any difficulty or confusion. We sat together for a while after Belker's Death, wondering aloud about the sad fact that animal lives are shorter than human lives. Shane, who had been listening quietly, piped! up, 'I know why.'

Startled, we all turned to him. What came out of his mouth next stunned me. I'd never heard a more comforting explanation.

He said, 'People are born so that they can learn how to live a good Life -- like loving everybody all the time and being nice, right?' The Six-year-old continued, 'Well, dogs already know how to do that, so they don't have to stay as long.'

Live simply.

Love generously.

Care deeply.

Speak kindly.

Remember, if a dog was the teacher you would learn things like:

When loved ones come home, always run to greet them.

Allow the experience of fresh air and the wind in your face to be pure Ecstasy.

Take naps.

Stretch before rising.

Run, romp, and play daily.

Thrive on attention and let people touch you.

Avoid biting when a simple growl will do.

On warm days, stop to lie on your back on the grass.

On hot days, drink lots of water and lie under a shady tree.

When you're happy, dance around and wag your entire body.

Delight in the simple joy of a long walk.

Be loyal.

Never pretend to be something you're not.

If what you want lies buried, dig until you find it.

When someone is having a bad day, be silent, sit close by, and nuzzle them gently.

ENJOY EVERY MOMENT OF EVERY DAY!

रात और उजाला

कोई बताये मुझे ये रात इतनी काली क्यों है,

महफिल में हु फिर भी ये जिंदगी इतनी खाली क्यों है !

रोशिनी उजाला पहलु है जो अदब के

रात है तो उजाला तुम करो

जिंदगी है लम्बी दो कदम तुम भी चलो

रात है थोडी साथ दे दो बात है अधूरी आवाज दे दो

तुम्शे मिलाने की तमन्ना लिए जिंदगी बिताते चले

साथ दो पल का मिलेगा यही सोचकर .......

Privacy Please

Got this Funny Pic..

Good Morning

Got up early morning to watch India vs New Zealand match.Great performance by India today. Zaheer is his best. Hope to see a positive result for India.

Yesterday night watched news of a lone gunman shooting himself after killing 13 in New York. The pictures were shocking. Is it a new form of Individual Terrorism. You can read the entire story by clicking the below link.
http://www.aol.in/news-story/Gunman-shoots-himself-after-killing-13-in-New-York-shooting-rampage/2009040316439012000004

New age of Publicity

Remember good old days when politicians used to come to your door steps & ask for your valuable votes. Gone are the days now you get sms giving data about the work they have done if they are in power & what they will do if they come to power. A new approach to reach to the new and first time voters. All these parties have understood the value of new age publicity. The good part about this kind of publicity is now political parties can reach to people whom they used to ignore. Don't know whether this will give them any positive result or not. Let wait & watch :)